A Cautionary Tale

I learned a valuable lesson. Last night, I learned that when eating at any restaurant, especially alone, you should always, ALWAYS, be sure you know what you're going to get.

I'm on a business trip, and therefore have been eating alone for the past couple of days. Tuesday night wasn't a big deal because I ate at a place that was more like a diner than anything else (even though it self-identifies as a "sports bar" -- but the only sporty thing I can see about the place are the flat-screen TVs hung on the wall, two of which weren't even showing sports). I ordered a hamburger and fries, and wouldn't you know it, I got a hamburger and fries. No surprises.

Last night, though, I decided to "treat" myself to Red Lobster. Stop laughing. The nearest seafood place of any kind to my house is about 90 minutes, and I can't go there because MB starts heaving about 10 minutes before I even think about suggesting that we go there. And besides, Sierra Vista is so desolate that I even look forward to going to all kinds of places that I would be embarrassed to mention.

So, I went, intending to order some salmon. The menu says I can get steamed fresh broccoli and another side, so I choose a baked potato -- splurging a bit, you see. The waitress also asked if I wanted an appetizer. Now, I was way too smart to try to order an entire plate of calamari or even hush puppies. But, I decided to splurge again and ordered a single cup of soup.

Two little splurges. I'm doing pretty well, right?

Then she asks what kind of salad I want.

Huh?

"It comes with a salad. Do you want Caesar or Chef?"

I go with the Caesar. I'm doing a bit much, but I'm still OK, right? I mean, it's a salad. How bad can it be?

Then she delivered the salad. The kind of salad where every lettuce leaf is coated in dressing. The kind of salad that would be too much for some people to eat for lunch. And she puts down the "cup" of soup, which suddenly looks more like a quart. On top of it all, right in front of me, she places a basket with four steamy cheese biscuits. This could be a decent lunch for me, by myself.

And I sat there, pondering the amount of food placed in front of me before I even get my entree when I suddenly realized that all the food was gone, and had been replaced by a large piece of fire-grilled salmon, broccoli and a baked potato. Where did the rest of my food go? I would blame it on the person sitting across from me, but there's nobody there. And then, just as suddenly, there is no food left on the rather large plate that was just delivered. I initially blame my invisible companion, but then I realize that I'm no longer hungry. In fact, I'm really quite full. Rather sick, even. What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE???

And I wonder how I've gained 70 lbs in the last 12 years. Actually, looking back on this, it's amazing I'm doing as well as I am.